Bachelor Pad 2, Season Finale

Happy readers, this finale was a doozy.

We had smirks, acrobatics, shock announcements and best of all, cheeky camera shots to emphasise all the heartache. I can’t believe its over already.

To recap:

Why did Cirque de Solei signed off on this shit?

The final four flew to Vegas to participate in the final challenge – a weird wall-climbing harness thingy. When I read before watching this that they would be doing something fly with the masters of the circus I thought “goodie” as I conjured up lots of sparkly colours and impossible tightrope-walking. Not even. Instead, we got a big black wall and some harnesses over cheap primary-coloured leotards. Surely de Cirque could of come up with something a little flashier? Entice the punters? Apparently their PR lady was having an off day. Holly and Michael were amazing (perhaps they had an unfair advantage with Michael being a break-dancing instructor??) and Vasey were fine. The other lot, however, were abysmal. If Vienna-of-the-mutilated-soul can get over her fear of heights, then Ella, Graham and Michelle, so can you. Long and the short of it is that Holly and Mike won the rose while Ella’s elephantine performance earned her and Kirk a limo ride home. God that last sentence was bitchy – I actually was rooting for Ella and Kirk for the win but girl, I’m sure you had it in you to do better than the shit we were shown on TV.                                                                                     

After Kasey pleaded his case to Michael and Vienna ballsed him out for being so keen, Mike and Holly ended up taking Michelle and Graham to the final with them. Vasey finally left this competition, the snhnozmeister made herself cry and no-one cared.

Chris is a shit stirrer

Fuck Chris Harrison must love his job. He earns money off winding up a group of vain, self-serving famewhores for a living. And my god did he stir that honey pot. There were so many juicy bits I couldn’t possibly get through them all, but I will include some highlights (or, as it relates to Vienna, lowlights. Lawl.):

-         Erica pretty much saying exactly what we were all thinking. She is great and I especially loved her little hooker-style gavel. Very Elle Woods. I clapped along with the audience when she told Jake that his attempts to ‘make peace’ (grow a pair. Who says that?) with Vienna by giving her a rose “obviously didn’t work”.

-        The twisty-stabby-beady-eyed little c*nt  Vienna (excuse my language but if ever anyone deserved it, she did) got her just desserts. She made a joke about her and Jake playing charades and the audience was silent (yussss). Her extensions looked like shit. Best of all, when Jake and Gia called her out on her nasty, famewhoring, tabloid-story-selling ways you could see the manipulative cogs in her brain working a mile-a-minute to try and say something to salvage her career. I hope she scuttles back to her lair and her ratty extensions get caught in the leafless trees while her cross-eyes get more and more pronounced until she can no longer see anything except that HUGE snoz of hers.

-        Biggest laugh of the night was when Kasey said, in a montage of “his journey in the house” showed him saying “Come on I have the hottest girl in the house as my girlfriend”. I actually snorted into my green tea.

-        Speaking of the Godfather, I genuinely felt a bit sorry for him when he had to watch the tape of all the d-bag things he said. In his own words, that must have been a tough pill to swallow acknowledging that you were a fucking LOSER on international television. The bro hug between Jake and Kase was cute too. He still has a bit to do to get back in my good graces though; namely dump the devil’s wench (publically in People if he can) and get that “throbbing” heart tattoo laser removed off his forearm. Yuck.

-        Most awkward moment of the night would have to go to the discussion of Ames and Jackie. Chris, you dawg, you KNEW they had broken up but you still pushed both of them to say why they had. Jackie looked like she was about to cry and I thought for a minute there Ames was going to jit.

-        Favourite person of the night went to the camera man who kept giving us close-ups of Vienna, Jackie and Melissa when Blake was telling the world how easy going and fun Holly was. All three looked miserable. It was as if the camera-person was saying “HA! She is cool and has two men after her while you three are left with no one”. It was hilarious.

Holly is engaged

In typical reality teevee style, they saved the juiciest for last. Snakey Blakey had his turn in the hotseat and smirked his way through an announcement that Holly was moving to South Carolina to move in with him. Chris, coy as ever, asked if “that was all?” allowing him to clumsily segway into a pre-prepared video of Blake proposing to Holly. While the setting was lovely and the sunlight looked magical, the acting was the worst I’ve seen all season. There was even product placement when the camera gave us a close up shot of the opened ring box. Ugh. It was tacky and gross and while I knew Snakey was a cut from the same rotty cloth as Vienna, I didn’t think Holly was quite as low-classy.

But what about Michael? After the ‘touching’ and totes realistic vid of their proposal, we find out from Holly (in front of him btw) that “he doesn’t know”. Cue my shocked intake of breath. 

From the first line out of Michael’s mouth, we know its complete bullshit. What are my arguments? Firstly, the whole thing was a clearly a big ‘ole setup to build up a bit more drama for when Mike and Holly had to choose how to divide the money. Surely Mike wouldn’t possibly want to share with her now?! Secondly, Michael bungles it from the beginning when he comes back with “Know what? That they are moving in together”. Come on Bachelor Pad. I appreciate it wouldn’t take much to win over the majority of the viewers but that line was horrible. Thirdly, none of them are good enough actors to pull off such a big stunt. Mike’s ‘shocked’ expression consisted of him clenching his jaw and asking for an ad break while Snakey could hide the snarky giggle off his face.

Poor Graham and Michelle didn’t really stand a chance after that. The vote went 10-4 to Mike and Holly and despite some chat from cheekier contestants (Judge Erica Rose and the Wrestler), both of them decided to share the $250,000.

Thus ends another season of the Bachelor Pad. I must say, this season was much less fun than last season. Although I loved to hate Vasey, they certainly dictated the tone of the entire series. As for Snakey Blakey and Holly – they deserve each other. I couldn’t give a shit whether they are truly in love and engaged or not, I only hope that Mike finds someone who is worth pining over.

Yours truly,

Enid

PS: Graham looked very, very sexy with his bowtie and half-red belt. I think I quite like him and Michelle.

PPS: They ruined ‘This Years Love’ completely for me. I won’t be able to listen to that song again without replaying the image of Ben rubbing dirt through his salt of the earth fingers. It was sick

Sort of interesting, slightly funny (QI: Season I, Episode 1)

Darling readers,

The first episode of the 9th season of 'QI' aired last Friday. The sad thing about that statement is to figure out what season it was, I used my fingers to count the letters of the alphabet. If you don't know why that is relevant, I can give you a bit of background. QI stands for "Quite Interesting" and is a game-show/comedy panel series hosted by the impeccable Stephen Fry. Every week, the man with the beautiful voice asks four panelists obscure trivia questions. It is not really all that important to be right, rather points are awarded for banter, hilarity and chat. In other words, a panelist will win if they are 'quite interesting', a concept which proves that comedians really are the most intelligent conversationalists. Alan Davies stars weekly and plays the lovable idiot to Stephen Fry's equally lovable intelligence.

The panelists for the first 'I' themed episode of the series were:

Mr Alan Davies (this is not recent. He has longer, greasier hair this season. I disapprove. It is as if he has progressed from 'boyish charm' to 'sullen teenager'.)

Sandi Toksvig (Wiki tells me she is a "Danish comedian, author and presenter on British radio and television". I think of her as the British version of the Topp Twins except without there being two of them.)

Jimmy Carr (probably the most recognisable but usually the least funny. His name sounds like Jamaica with an accent. Thats probably the only joke of his I like and its not even that amusing.)

Lee Mack (also known as the anglicized Big Mac. From 'le mac'. Geddit? Because his name is Lee Mack? And it sounds like someone from Geordie Shore asking for a burger? Again, no idea who he actually is because I'm in New Zealand not Britain. If you want to know more, you can google him yourself.)

Readers, I have to confess that although I was quite interested by Alan, Jimmy and Sandi, by the end of the episode I was mostly indifferent. it just didn't have that spark and quick-wittedness that I had come to expect from this series. Who should we blame for this? As you might have picked up, I j'adore Stevie Fry so whenever an episode is a dud, it will always be the fault of the panelists. This week it seemed that Mr Alan Davies' louty hair absorbed all his usual laddish quips; he contributed sweet fuck all and when he did, the answers were a bit sad. The best laugh came from Mr Alan Davies jumping on Big Mac's bandwagon with a kind-of-funny joke about a picture of a lobster. Even I could have done that. Once again, Jimmy Carr was dull. He said some shit, I cannot remember what in particular but I do think that he should be banned from this show. While he doesn't ever really bomb, he is a beige-variety comic and I suspect only does enough to get a few grins without saying something completely unfunny. Beige has no place near my Stevie. 

The shining star of the episode was Sandi. I love that she is posh AND funny (quite like our Stevie) and it certainly helped that she knew the majority of the answers to the questions. Big Mac lived up to his moniker - he was enjoyable but not very dignified and seemed like he was the poor cousin of the other panelists.

Despite Stevie's gay-tastic tie and the pretty lights reflecting off Mr Alan Davies' hair, I would have to describe this premiere episode as decidedly lackluster. To round this puppy up then:

 STEVIE'S TIE: 

Purple with vivid blue, pink and yellow flowers. While it was more interesting than anything that came out of Beige/Carr's mouth, it looked a tad like some of the ties I see op-shopping. And would most likely be worth more than any one item in my wardrobe. At least he's letting that flag fly!

NOTABLE QUOTES:

"There is a whole science called gaze detection" (Stevie to everybody. Lawl)

"I've got slightly too used to you saying stupid things" (Stevie to Big Mac after Big Mac gets his first question right)

"In a really nice way Lee, I don't think you have fully understood it" (Sandi to Big Mac when Big Mac tries to explain how Mona Lisa's eyes follow you.)

JOKE OF THE NIGHT: 

"You know how they separate the men from the boys in the navy? With crowbars" (Stevie to everyone. Not his most witty work but given that this was probably the only joke of the night, it had to take the win.)

FACT OF THE NIGHT:

When a lobster detaches itself from its entire shell, it has to pull out the lining of its throat, stomach and anus. All to stay young forever. Fuck that.

STEVEISM OF THE NIGHT:

A 'steveism' is a phrase or word which is only incredible because Mr Fry has said it with his perfect diction and posh-yet-approachable voice. For example, I says 'sloths' as if it rhymes with 'cloths'. Stevie (and Sandi too) on the other hand pronounces it 'slowth'. Say it out loud. The latter just sounds superior. Only Stephen Fry could improve the laziest animals in the world merely by saying their name like a snob. Because Stevie pretty much carried the entire episode this week, there was plenty of steveisms to choose from. My favourite though was when he said 

"They do that in the streets of New York with 'your mamma' don't they." 

Yes. That delicious man just talked about yo mamma jokes as if they were an amusing mannerism of a people long gone from this earth. I love him so much.

Hugs and Kisses,

Enid

Introduction

Dear readers,

So it begins. My foray into the blogosphere and my attempt to be noticed. For the most part, this blog is meant to be self-fulfilling and I think, for the most part, Sherlock and Ryan will be a nice little procrastination station. Saying that, I am not a fan of bullshit and I would be fibbing if I said that no part of me wants to become Rich and Famous as a result of my Writing. 

What will I write about? I don't know exactly but I can tell you that it will be about Stuff I Like. See below for the list on what that includes:

Ryan Gosling

Ryan Reynolds

Sherlock Holmes

Stephen Fry

The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise (for pure schadenfreude purposes)

The Mentalist

Modern Family

Books. Lots and lots of Books

Emma Stone

Trailers

Lists

Friends (both the TV show and actual-real-life people. Who I mostly talk to on facebook)

Survivor

Awards Ceremonies

Roger Ebert

Game of Thrones

Million Dollar Decorators
Joan Rivers

Some of it is trashy, some of it isn't. If you dislike something that I blog about then you have two options:

1) Don't read it

2) Read it and post badly spelt, nonsensical comments. Then we can make fun of you with lots of witty reply comments and the page views for that post will go up. Everybody wins

The first 'official' blog entry will be a recap of the new season of QI. If you don't know what that is, google that shit, watch some clips on youtube and come back to me. I promise, it'll be the start of a happy obsession with Stephen Fry.

All my love,

Enid